More Satire from the running world

A journey run is something like Running the length of the Apalachian Trail or the Continental Divide. However, the reports on these things get a little over-dramatic and pompus.... here's my favorite running satirist, Chris O'Connor, with his latest great race:

"Greatest Journey Run? It was me, just now. Ran about three blocks to
the school to make sure my daughter had her script for the play
rehearsal. It was a perfect run.

Block One:
I started out conservatively, mindful of the long journey ahead.
Really, I was just trying to find my rhythm. I was pretty comfortable
by the time I pulled into the first aid station at the end of Trish
Murphy's driveway. (I would be remiss if I didn't mention my gratitude
to Trish for her support during my run. Clearly concerned that I was in
danger of overheating as I tramped through her roses, she sprayed me
down with her hose. Volunteers just don't get enough thanks.)

Block Two:
I proceeded across the dangerous crossing at Rio Linda Ct., making sure
to jog in place while I waited for the crossing guard. Here's where
things could have gone really badly: As I had practiced in training, I
navigated the stopped SUVs and minivans really quite deftly, but when I
got to the sidewalk on the other side, I discovered the lady on the
left was attached to the dog over on the right by one of those
invisible extending leashes. We've all done it, so you know what
happened next. I tripped over the leash and the dog--a pug,
fortunately--got tangled up around my right leg. I overcompensated and
careened into a kid with one of those wheelie backpacks, rolling over
him and headfirst into an unoccupied baby stroller. The kid and I were
both dazed, but we got up and as his mother came over to support me
with a very curious selection for words of encouragement. I set off
again, now with both a pug wrapped tightly around my right leg and the
kid's SpongeBob SquarePants backpack hung around my neck.

Block Three:
The course gets technical as it approaches the school, with cars parked
chaotically, this way and that, curbs and what have you. You have to
pick a careful line around some of the SUVs, but some of the smaller
imports need to be climbed over if you want to hit your splits. I
stopped to replenish my fluids and electrolytes (that kid whose
backpack I had around my neck had thoughtfully left for me a
half-finished juice box in one of the zippered pockets.) The pug came
loose and bounced a few times before rolling to a stop. He gave me a
playful, supportive nip on the ankle as I pulled away. In a way, that
pug was everything you need a pacer to be. He got me through the tough
part when all hope was lost and I wanted to quit.

The Finish:
As I hit the final crosswalk on the third block, I could see the
roaring crowds at the elementary school, just lined up to cheer my
finish. I tell you, I was moved to tears. I wanted it to last forever,
but my daughter needed that damn script and every race must eventually
end.

It was the greatest run ever. I had a race strategy and stuck to it.
The specificity of my training paid off. (It seems like I run that
course between home and the elementary school...I don't know...twice a
day, five days a week? Doubles work. They really do.) I encountered a
problem, but persevered. My daughter got her script. She's playing the
part of The Unnamed CFO of an Evil Tobacco Company in the play, "Dude,
Where's My Lungs?" Yes, I live in California. Those are the kinds of
school plays we put on.

-Chris

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That triggered a couple of replies:

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Subject: Chris' great Journey Run

Fantastic run Chris. But lordy, living in California, how
on earth did you manage to finish without a Garmin & trekking poles?

cheers,
marv

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Subject: Re: Greatest Journey Run


In a message dated 10/3/2006 7:04:44 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
COConnor@surewest.net writes:

The pug came
loose and bounced a few times before rolling to a stop. He gave me a
playful, supportive nip on the ankle as I pulled away. In a way, that
pug was everything you need a pacer to be. He got me through the tough
part when all hope was lost and I wanted to quit.



*********************

After due consideration, the Race Committee has been forced, by long
established rule, to disqualify you due to inappropriate assistance from your pacer,
prior to the time you reached the official finish line. Fortunately, a
medical and life threatening emergency was averted. Interviews to follow in next
month's UltraRunning...

G.

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Subject: Re: Greatest Journey Run

With all due respect to Chris O'Connor's remarkable achievement, I'd
have to argue the greatest Journey run ever was the Infinity Tour in
1978: 121 shows in just 324 days. They spanned the entire country,
including Hawaii, and still managed to hit most California venues
twice. They were paced by such greats as Van Halen, ELO, Ted Nugent,
and Blondie.

When setting out on your next long run, remember that the wheel in the
sky keeps on turning.

-kris

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Then this last, from the original poster:

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Subject: Re: Greatest Journey Run

Well, crap. I mean, who wouldn't have the Greatest Journey with support
from The Nuge? Really, consider for a moment being on a run with the
following epistle as inspiration:

I am a predator
I am a predator
That's one thing for sure
I am a predator
You better lock your door
I am a predator

...or even:

My love is like a tire iron
My love is like a tire iron
My love is like a tire iron
My love is like a tire iron

Makes me misty just thinking about it. I get disqualified for
pug-assistance, but you'll let someone by with support from The
Nuge??!!?? Ted'd probably EAT my pug. Sweet Mercy, there has to be some
sense of proportion here, a sliding scale or something. Be REASONABLE.

-Chris