Never fix the toilet before breakfast

Ladies and Gentlemen of the bathroom design and engineering community,

This is a reprimand. It will go in your official file. All architects, designers of bathroom interiors, commercial building engineers, plumbing design and manufacturing personnel and anyone working for Lowe’s or Home Depot are now officially on notice.

BATHROOM DESIGN SUCKS!!!!

It has come to my attention that it is a very bad idea to use cheap metal in place of copper when installing a toilet. Why? Because 15 years down the road, the metal will be corroded and it will seize, break and otherwise require a hacksaw to remove.

Furthermore, hacksaws, channel locks, pliers, wrenches, hands, elbows, shoulders and other parts of the human body require space in which to be applied properly. It is therefore an inexcusable atrocity to squeeze the toilet between the tub and the vanity where no average sized person over the age of six can fit. Plumbing does not fix itself and cats are known to be really poor substitutes for full-grown humans.

There are some other things I would like to understand:
1. Why is it necessary to remove the tank in order to replace the inevitably brittle insert that you somehow think needs to be secured between the pieces of porcelain? Please tell me that this is the cheap way and that someone has engineered a way that will not cause busted knuckles and invoking of the Lord’s name in vain.
2. Why, oh why, would you use black rubber? This substance inevitably disintegrates into black goo. Black goo stains. Black goo stains in the bathroom? Need I say more?
3. What idiot decided to make the tank sit on the toilet in the first place? Couldn’t we just have elevated tanks like the Europeans that flush with gravity? Isn’t nature good enough for us? But then I am talking about indoor plumbing, so never mind.
4. How is it possible that you can make a bolt and a wing-nut that will seize up completely but cannot make a shut-off valve that actually shuts off completely?
5. What on earth makes the water in the toilet bowl taste better than the water in every dog dish in the house?

It is my esteemed opinion that though conspiracies are generally too complicated for Americans to pull off, this plumbing/toilet/bathroom situation has become a conspiracy of dunces. It all works beautifully to keep plumbers in the money. It’s not that plumbing is difficult. No. We pay them because we don’t want to deal with tight spaces, busted knuckles, black goo and flooding.

“Yes Ma’am. I know the bill is $600. That’s $20 for the part. $280 to mess with installing it. And $300 to put up with your slobbering Lab.”