What it means to be me. Chapter 1

My Cousin, Jochen, father of two, PhD in Civil Engineering or Urban Planning or some such, is on IM and we chat. I hold forth in English when it comes to psychological discussions of the family and he in German. Other than that, I write in German too... because it's good for me to practice.
Jochen is quite a bit older. And he never left Germany... here, we grew up together - the older cousins and the younger ones. Still we have drifted apart. And I feel, very often, that I am the only connection to the other side of the Atlantic.
Jochen seems very open. Perhaps because it is family. Perhaps because it is in his soul. He was the older soul between he and his brother when we were kids... that is, when Kasten and I were kids. He is the youngest but the natural leader. I am not a leader on this side of the Atlantic. I am the black sheep, so to speak. Even though I am Alpha in every other way.
I have wrapped this family dynamic in my own little package of beliefs and labels. I'm probably mostly wrong. But the biggest thing is, I doubt that I can reach the other US cousins... too much anger. Too many drugs. Or, in Angelika's case - way too many defenses.
Jochen is right, tho. We could learn a lot from each other... I can't decide if I'm ready to be that honest... In any other space I would have the perspective and the training to facilitate. In this case, I am too vulnerable... Just a few hours on Chat with my Cousin 100 million steps away and the baggage of my youth is mixing unpleasingly with the depression of 24 hours ago.
I know I am down now... and I will not always be. But the tears come too easily. The other side of the family is easier for me. I feel much less "stuff" when I think of Daniel and Sanne and Thomas and their folks. I miss them. I wish I were with them... I do not know if I wish I were with Gika or Rainer... or Stephan or Andreas ....
I guess this is Chapter 1... I've always known the book needs to be written. It's time to start. Before all we have is second-hand memories... and pain without proper explanation.