Love BItes! No, really. It does.

So there I was... hanging out at Stevie Wonder's, watching some perfectly pompous and inane former NFL stars jabber away and the channel got changed to HBO.
Now I might, possibly, maybe have squeeked something about not liking "insert name of pompous former NFL star here," or maybe I just got up and wandered around... but still - all of a sudden we were watching the worst bit of television I've been witness to in a long time.
I can begin, and believe me I am going to, to tell you all about the myriad things that were OFF in this show, but suffice it to say I don't think I can do its general badness justice.
Still, let me try.

So first of all, it's called True Blood and it's about vampires. They now have synthetic blood and they have no need to kill humans or drink their blood. All very nice and maybe even a bit sweet - what with the rehabilitation of vampires to show their softer, gentler sides, and all.

But the first thing you must know is that there are 10,000 sub-plots. And they all seem to intermingle. Never mind that... let's begin by saying that the leads, Suki and Bill, are completely horridly portrayed by two people who can't act. The acting is so bad that the accent Suki has (which happens to be the star's real accent) sounds faked.
The teeth popping out is just so 1960s Star Treknolicious.
The sets are abhorrent, the supporting roles are also badly acted, the plot makes no sense, the soundtrack is wrong and confused and jarring, the lighting and camera work is amateurish and heavy handed....
Oh, and the writing. Yes, the writing... which comes from none other than the writer who did Six Feet Under. Now see, that was brilliant. This... this is ape-shit-wouldn't-make-this-less-palatable bad. Not quick. Not whitty. Not mysterious...transparent, actually. Not smart. Not quite campy enough.

Anyway, where I lost it completely and began to regret the hour I put in was the last sex scene between Bill and Suki (after he gave her possibly the worst line ever written)... they are tearing clothes off and it's all very need-driven and animalistic and then all of a sudden camera cuts and it's stylized and moody and then...well, then he bites her.

Yeah, Um, NO! That's not erotic.

Having flirted my way through dinner, I was suddenly really glad I was going home alone to sleep by myself.

I mean, I have some odd tastes.... Hugh Laurie, for instance. And Mark. But coitus with a corpse-like being who bites me.... (with bad directing to boot) - well that's just not my thing.