Thougths for now...

I am having a hard time. I am angry with myself and I feel guilty all the time. My life is not relaxed and all I do is sleep and sleep - which makes it worse.
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This morning before the tire store opening I was working from home and I sat at my computer which is on my desk - built into the Danish Modern buffet I inherited from my folks' downsizing. So I was sitting there and Emma-puppy was chewing on a bone and she started chewing on the chair leg... of my IKEA office chair, but still.... after that I noticed that there were claw and teeth marks in the window sill. This will require me to fill with wood putty, sand and repaint the window sills.
So that's one thing that I have neglected that makes my home feel more like a dump.
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The dogs have also taken all the paint off the trim on the back doors. I stripped them last fall and then the paint got spilled and I never got back to finishing that project either. BTW, the paint got spilled by a puppy.
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It turns out that Jenna - not a puppy, but a full-grown bitch, also attacked the trim on the inside of the door and bit off pieces. I have not felt like spending the $70 to replace said trim, so that also looks like I am running a dump instead of a house.
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The tile in the kitchen was inappropriately put into the house. I am missing half the grout and a good number of tiles are cracked. The house was built in 1915. The tiles are 20". The house moves. The tile cracks. Stupid, right? I will soon need to put in new tile, but again, have been unwilling to spend the money.
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The paint on the outside of the house is peeling again. It was already repainted once because the contractors either used the wrong caulk or did not let it dry adequately. Truth be told, I am going to have to take it down to the bare wood and redo it myself. Maybe this fall.
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The rain has been a blessing. Of course I'd love to complain about the humidity, but really... the yard is surviving. However, I have to help out the fruit trees, the lawn needs to be mowed, the garden has gone to seed and needs to be "plowed" under. I have received the pallets for the compost bin and have to actually build that bin now and get it into use. The rocks need to be weeded, the flea stuff needs to be spread, the holes that have been dug by dogs need to be filled in and the hot tub needs a working pump.
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I haven't even unloaded my car from the Saturday Night NTTR event. BBQ grill, gas cannister, folding table, running supplies... it's a right mess in there, but my excuses are... It was too late. I was too sleepy, it was too dark and then it was raining. I know, stop making excuses... they are all I seem to have.
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I am not good at being helpless and it seems like when I can't "afford" to take care of myself, I get overwhelmed by the things I can do. So. I am now going to be thankful for the good things and we'll go from there...
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I am thankful for air miles so that I can go and see my folks. This weekend.
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I am thankful that it rained.
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I am thankful that Amy got cheap antibiotics for our dogs.
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I am thankful that Easton Bell is hiring again.
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I am thankful that no one was hurt or lost at NTTR's Night Run on Saturday.
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I am thankful that my car interior is made of plastic and can be hosed out, and that the tire I bought this morning was $25.
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I am thankful that Mark enjoyed the musical, Lucky Stiff, last Friday night.
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I am thankful that an old dear friend just gave me the occassion to help her and thereby the occassion to look up another dear friend whom I have contacted. Yeah technology.
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I am thankful for the training that tells me that I can choose the outcome of my life by being flexible and focusing on the positive and defining what I want.
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I am thankful that I got to express my sadness to a friend who's 40-year-old husband died in his sleep last weekend. She will grieve the rest of her life, but I hope she knows that we will not fail her.
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I am grateful for spinach salad. Which I will be having for dinner.
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I am grateful that Mark fixed the garage disposal. That on of the dishwashers is working. That Titty laid a merifully short second half. That there was ice and WATER. Thanks Clod Hopper. That Kyro did not taze me. That no one died of heat exhaustion. That Jet's shoes were found and saved. That our waitress did not flinch. That Lefty and Tits Up and Scott and Beth and Bubble whom we hardly ever see came out to the hash. That Amy got to ride her bike. That the "birdy" is still thriving on my front porch. And that Denise lent me a crate for Emma who is still a chewer.
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I am grateful for the city of Lewisville rec center where I can work out for $45 for 6 months.
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I am grateful that my finger healed.
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I am grateful that my sister would love me to come live in Phoenix.
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I am grateful that I was able to get some fabulous new outfits with my Birthday money.
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And I am grateful that I got to talk with Rhonda and Becky yesterday while we walked.