What makes me quake?

Jeans.
I can do practically anything. I can streamline practically any process. I can simplify your life and mine.
But I cannot make shopping for or buying jeans any easier, more simple or rational.
I cannot.
Right now people are wearing their jeans in their boots. I would love to be fashionable and do this... but I am top heavy and this look - however fashionable - is not for me.
I also have a stomach that is NOT flat. So jeans that come in at the waist are not for me.
I am a full-fledged adult. I could be a grandmother - biologically - so I really don't want to have to pull up jeans constantly to keep my butt from showing.
However, I am not a grandmother. I rock climb with people half my age. I ride my bike down rocky trails with glee. I should not have to subject myself to Mom jeans. Ever.
And finally, I do not think that jeans with stretch - jeans that cling to my thighs and the dimples on my ass - will make any human who has to look at me happy.
I will certainly not be happy.
So, I have decided that jeans can be expensive. If I have to pay more to be happy in them, I will. Thank goodness I can now afford that.
And yet, by the time I have tried on four or five or fifteen pairs -- By the time I have parked, and fought with overstuffed racks of clothing, and found a dressing room and taken off my clothes, I do not want to spend any money at all. I just want to sit down and sob.

I can negotiate salaries, speak to CEOs, refinance my home without help, travel around the world, and drive a stick shift.
But I am undone by the idea of buying a pair of jeans.