The princess and the paradox.

Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.
In an effort to not seem like I'm stalking him, I emailed Ben early this morning about my coming to TNSS tonight. No response.
Now that, in and of itself, is not a problem... He's likely got 50,000 more important things to do and I should be working on other stuff as well.
However, the whole thing started a conversation at lunch (with Leslie) about what I should and should not worry about. Why I wanted to keep certain things clean -- like the lines between Ben and the Bike Forum. Why I bothered to ask him at all.
The thing is, the adult in me says that I have better things to do then go to TNSS and make another human being uncomfortable. This is where Leslie asked me why I was really worried about what Ben thought of my going... and there's the rub. I shouldn't care.
But I do.
I was raised to pay attention to these things because they were a sign of the correctness of my behavior and also because the threat of someone else thinking ill of me was thought to be a deterent. Now I realize that this is so deeply ingrained in me that I use it on the girls all the time. And.... it's a tone-of-voice thing.
I've already got a tone-of-voice thing, anyway... a big, deep, secret, awful tone-of-voice thing.
I'd be digressing, but it all ties together in a neat, nasty little package.
Were I not concerned about Ben's feelings, I would not have asked in the least. I would simply have shown up. If I didn't like Ben, I would not have been concerned about his feelings. As an adult, I have to acknowledge, that the mixed messages I get make me wonder, "Why do I like Ben?"
But as a kid, well I just assumed everyone adored me. And that was the way life was supposed to be. I like that childhood fantasy (or delusion) a whole lot better.